Took it for granted Because you could have it But once that wasn’t a factor You just couldn’t fathom What it’d be like to live without that one Now you’re shattered You try to go back But the past has foreshadowed The future that holds the fact of the matter You’ll never see the pain Just the cover The laughter The show must go on All these feelings, they scatter They collect in the drain of a cold, lonely shower But strength will arise From the depths of these shadows The pain that you caused Will bring forth something radical This heart no longer used for collateral You reach out with cold fingers But it’s no longer tangible It’s gone. It’s lost. Unable to revive what you’ve so quickly disposed of Looking back you realize Your tragic mistake Gasp for air Now you’re choking What’s that wet on your face? Needing eyes have all turned They’re all looking this way The show must go on on Quick, call the next play Pretend it doesn’t matter Forget the words once exchanged Your ploy to not feel Feels like a tragic mistake Yet once you’re alone Deemed free from the noise You’ll sit and remember This deafening silence was your choice You may fool those around you Deep inside you your truth burning You let go of a love Your whole life you’ve been yearning Carry on with the comfort That your morals lit your path You decide to not feel But your feelings are trapped Buried so low That even I could not reach My attempts were futile You cannot say that I did not bleed I pick up the pieces Of a heart ache no one will see Each day spent healing Putting myself back carefully I loved you for some time But now I can plainly see That if you ever loved me back This ride would have ended differently The strength I have found It might be hard to believe But I finally love myself Because you stopped loving me.
Laying alone amidst the sounds of the night, I begin the fearful journey of seeking sweet elusive sleep.
The rattle of the ceiling fan keeps me company. It sings a song that reminds me of a lullaby, though I struggle to recall the melody. I focus on my breath, I watch my chest rise and fall. Shadows on the wall appear to be my audience, watching my futile attempt to find rest. Recognizing their existence brings goosebumps to my thighs, so I curl my knees to my chest. They watch with sad faces while whispers of deception are laid in my ear so softly that it only keeps me awake. So beautifully spoken that the line between truth and a harrowing lie begin to blur.
The darkness surrounding me begins to feel infinite as I stare into the nothingness. My eyes no longer able to discern the common objects from my own imagination. The stillness of the evening serving as a catalyst, causing my tired legs to feel tense. I plea with myself to just let go, but now my heart begins to beat so loudly that it awakens …him.
He’ll never let me free unless I close my eyes, but it is there behind closed lids that I see him the more. He waits for me in the noise of the calm. He laughs at my pain and triggers thoughts that creep through my veins like cancer. Tainting even the most beautiful moments of the day, it is here that he wins. Victorious, every time.
The shadows invite me to release my fears. They helplessly plead each night, trying religiously to change the inevitable outcome. Yet still he drags me to the pit that he alone creates… and there, I feed him. Enabling him.
He devours my hope & regurgitates my insecurities. He wrestles with my dreams & pins down my most dreaded nightmares. He throws my fears into my view & blinds me with the concept of failure. It is here that I recall the pain of all too many goodbyes. It is here that I vividly feel the wreckage of what now are only scars. It is here that he shows me the mirrors that I avoid. It is here where I can still feel the rough green carpet and the cold wind from the open door on my exposed, vulnerable body. It is here that problems are created before the situation arises. It is here that he gifts me abundantly with doubt and self loathing.
It is here that he pulls me down to show me where he intends to keep me….
Suffocated. Trapped. Forgotten. Broken.
The tension held in my body begins to grow from my legs to the arch of my back. Climbing up my spine and holding steady through my shoulders. I feel him holding me harder than I’ve ever known, so tightly that I begin to believe he may crush me. Holding me under until I cannot breathe, until I stop flinching. Until the tears stop. Until I go numb.
I search hopelessly around the room, but the only escape I feel is the wetness of a tear rolling down my hot cheek. He is greedy and wants every part of me. Every little piece that I hold dear. Every part that I try to hide so that he may not taint them. Though I know all too well that he will not stop until I shatter at the work of his hands. It is only then that he will only return to his assumed safe place til another dark night. Tucked away into the crevices of my mind where I do not look for him. Patiently waiting for me to appear whole again.
He will come back, that I can count on for sure.
The darkness I once thought to be my enemy surrounds me with mercy as I begin to feel the release. Like a dance that him and I only know of the cadence, I float wildly into this lucid dream. I finally can feel safe, though I know it is not real. False security. For it is in the make believe that I find comfort. He is still here, I know this to be true. He watches, with wonderment — Flashes of what I’m capable of without his burdensome presence. His lips curl up an evil smile. Anxiety watches what matters the most with malicious intent for tomorrows dance. A dance that he knows he leads.
Why do my hands reach out to be met every time?
Why do I allow him here?
He allows me now to float into a world where I feel no pain, even if for a small moment. He controls my happy, too. Darkness welcomes me with warm, soft arms. Sleep washes over me.
I am oddly safe, here. If only for a moment in the darkness with my audience of sad shadows, and my beast of anxiety who now rests.
It’s raw It’s numb It’s bare It’s bleeding The newest wound Isn’t healing I can’t control what is spilling Onto the pavement All of these feelings
Tortured Scarred Begging Pleading Let me go What’s the reason?
Your eyes, they’re glaring I feel them needing Digging deep to a place I cannot give freely
I’m trying I’m trying Can’t you hear me? I’m screaming My mouth is open But the words are fleeting
Give me your Heart I just want to fill up inside Give me your Heart I just want to feel alive Alive Alive
Bring me down You barely knew me You tried to stop I fought You lost Now you’ll kill me You burn me alive While I’m crying from inside My bruises only show When you’re thinking Homicide
Gave you my Heart Now I just want to fly Gave you my Heart Now I just want to fly Fly Fly
You’ll move along The clean up seems easy Scattered pieces Ignite Now? I’m leaving. Gone, again They won’t see me Ashes to ashes Fallen completely I hate the cost we paid The time spent scheming I’m left with this pain It’s debilitating
Gone with my Heart Now I’m empty inside Gone with my Heart Now I’ll be alright Alright Alright
Get up. The world is anticipating your next blow. Your audience is stuck Somewhere between applause and sorrow.
Take a deep breath Wipe the tears from your dirty face. Notice your surroundings Remind yourself that you’re not your mistakes. Remind yourself that feeling things Is not a sin. There’s nothing wrong with you For being broken again.
Tiny eyes look up to you Searching for your safe embrace. Every pain you carry? All for their dreams you’ll chase. They mustn’t know You’re withering away inside. You can do this, make them believe Yeah, sure, …everything’s alright.
You push forward You whisper to the fighter who’s down: Get back up, get back up Don’t let them see your falling crown. You knew it wouldn’t be easy You signed up, regardless You forecasted this ache Intuition foretold that it would end up like this.
From the depths of your insecurities To the heights of your anxieties The ride that you chose to buckle into Hold on tight for the upcoming remedies. They shout from the other side Promise of their deliverance Cover your ears in disbelief Continue on with your own belligerence. You know the power you have Burning inside of you Water yourself down for the masses You know they can’t handle you.
Unsure of your purpose You spread yourself thin. Is it today or tomorrow that you’re supposed to be here? You know you can’t ever win. Chin up, darling The strong don’t drop their head Take this weapon heavy in your grasp If you could run you would have already fled. Spin, spin, spin Spiral down til there’s nothing left You look up to find peace Only to gain a new scar on your neck. They come for you You knew they would You’re done with being scared Fight! Fight like you know you should. Scream into the darkness They really don’t have anything on you You know you can overcome this A loss can be a win, too.
There’s fire in your eyes They only think they know your next play They’ll try to figure you out Your wild heart can never be tamed. Dub you as weak Let them assume your disposition Surprise, she’s alive Though bleeding from this new incision. You can only keep down What wishes to remain low You’re free from yourself
A warrior is in you, I know.
This pain is just proof You are surely alive Your feelings do not make you weak If they say they’re not scared, guess what? They lie. You are more than those voices That call to you when you are low You are strong, you are brave
A warrior is in you, you know.
Despite these falling tears You pick yourself up from the ground Step over the bodies that wish to pull you back Surprised at the sight of the strength you’ve found. You take one last look From over your burdened shoulder As it all burns to the ground behind you Smile as you continue to move forward.
You see? Your pain is but strength that you now choose to show. A warrior is in you,
Landed on her sandy shores where the tide calmly began to rise.
Her waves sang a sweet song that brought peace to my troubled, and heavy, soul.
As the wind pushed against my chest, I couldn’t help but feel like it was her way of hugging me tight. Greeting me, knowing how badly I needed to be in her presence. Engulfing me in her salty breath.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply. Drawing her into me. Finally feeling centered for the first time in months. Years.
I had to feel her warmth, so I walked down to where just my toes could get wet.
… it’s never enough.
Soon my ankles were submerged, then up to my knees. Stopping just as she gently brushed against my thighs.
I dare not go further.
If I walked much deeper, she would take me. I might would let her.
I looked up to the moon, and watched how the light danced along her surface. Found myself jealous. Jealous of the moon. Wishing I could kiss her the way it does.
I stood there alone in depths of her waters, allowing each wave to pass me by.
Peering out into the distance, I helplessly tried to see what was on the other side. I could feel her calling me to come in, to come ask her myself. She promised she would take me there.
My body began to shiver.
I began to feel myself lean into her warmth, she had begun to win an all too easy battle. Though, I could feel the constant weight behind me pulling me back, pulling me in to the shore.
I felt torn.
She knew she could have me, and I stood there with tears on my cheeks wanting to let go.
Let go. Let go.
The hardest thing I’ll ever do is turn my back on her, and step towards the weight pulling me away from the freedoms she whispered in my ear.
One more second. One more breath. One more promise.
I’ve dreamt of the way it must feel to be encompassed by her welcoming, wet embrace. Darkness beneath the surface. Silence. Breathlessness.
Would she, too, send me away after she’s had all of me? Would she, too, spit me back up onto the sand and wish that I would leave? Would I not be enough? Perhaps, too much?
She’s apart of me, as I breathe her deep into my lungs. My chest rises and falls. I feel her close to my heart.
My hands fall to my side, as I touch her softly with my fingertips.
The sand begins to crumble around my weight, and my feet sink softly into her. Is this her way of holding on to me?
Again, I can feel the pull of what calls to me daily. I stumble back. I know I cannot stay here with her for long. I cry softly knowing we cannot be together this time, & not knowing if we’ll be together at all.
She is my peace. She is my strength.
She is my way out.
I take that burdensome step away from her loving touch. I find the strength to climb out.
The waves continue to kiss my feet as she tries to change my mind, wishing me goodnight. I can feel her scorn, her hurt, her anguish.
Come back.
Sand clings to the crevices of my toes. I mustn’t return with the evidence of my visit. Washing off the last of her with shaking hands.
She almost had me this time.
Maybe next time I’ll stay, I say to myself as I keep her to my back.
Just before I return home, I turn around to see the moon still gleaming down upon me. Upon her.
I smiled as I caught the last tear rolling down my nose. I know she’s not alone.
I’m not alone.
I whisper the faintest words that I knew the wind would carry to her…
I’ll return. I’m yours, you know I’ll always be yours.
Dear Old Wooden Rocking Chair, May I sit down a while? I would never want it to be any trouble, But my soul feels truly tired.
May I place my weight firmly into your lap? I know you’ll hold me steady regardless of the burden. We can rock and sway for hours. I know you’ll feel my heart ache churning.
I would caress your dry smooth handles, Beneath my empty hands. I would wonder who else has held onto you, Who else has made these selfish demands?
I’ll lean into your strong structure, I crave your unwavering protection. I’d ease my head back into your rest, You’ll catch me without question.
Your old bones may creak beneath the tension Still I know you can withstand it during our time. So intricately, beautifully built. Are you damned because you are mine?
They wouldn’t believe me if I told the story How I found you beside the road. Cast out, forgotten, buried, rejected Laid out to wither and corrode.
Surely it was a mistake that you needed my care. Their reasons for abandoning you must have weight. You sit here unrefined and bruised, A pain I was drawn to alleviate.
So now you are mine Sitting in contrast of the chaos that surrounds you Never quite sure of when the day will come That I need to borrow your strength for a moment or two.
Only you, Old Wooden Rocking Chair, It has only been you who has answered my every call. I need not worry if you’ll receive my distress. I need not worry if you’ll be there, at all.
As we sit here together, I feel my soul is entirely at peace. I can hang up the anxieties of the day behind me, That brought me to my knees.
I come to you on the days that I need you the most We move back and forth effortlessly. Though the thought often crossing my mind How you, too, may need me?
I picked you up that day With a promise in my heart. I wanted to wash you, polish you, love you I wanted to offer you a new start.
I’m beyond apologetic If your time with me has felt underwhelming. I am working on being the best version of me, Though I never mean to make you question.
You must though, As you sit here alone on the cold floor. It pains me to think that you feel unwanted It pains me to wonder if you question if you aren’t worth more.
I thank you for taking my body into your care I thank you for giving me a place for my soul to bare. It is here I have planned my greatest events It is here that I have even myself convinced
That one day you and I will make our great escape. Just you and me Old Wooden Rocking Chair, Yes… one day.
Hold onto this promise I sing to you each time I come to fill your arms The words leaving my lips are yours to keep Forever engrained into your cold, rough columns.
Sway with me once again on this lonely night Allow us to dance beneath the full pink moon I’ll keep you company through the mundane And pray the nightmares in my soul you’ll consume.
You are beautiful, you are a blessing You are so forgivingly kind I’ll always know that I don’t deserve you, I’ll always know that you are damned because you are mine.
it's compli-katie-d 