Torn.

Took a walk.

Landed on her sandy shores where the tide calmly began to rise.

Her waves sang a sweet song that brought peace to my troubled, and heavy, soul.

As the wind pushed against my chest, I couldn’t help but feel like it was her way of hugging me tight. Greeting me, knowing how badly I needed to be in her presence. Engulfing me in her salty breath.

I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply. Drawing her into me. Finally feeling centered for the first time in months. Years.

I had to feel her warmth, so I walked down to where just my toes could get wet.

… it’s never enough.

Soon my ankles were submerged, then up to my knees. Stopping just as she gently brushed against my thighs.

I dare not go further.

If I walked much deeper, she would take me. I might would let her.

I looked up to the moon, and watched how the light danced along her surface. Found myself jealous. Jealous of the moon. Wishing I could kiss her the way it does.

I stood there alone in depths of her waters, allowing each wave to pass me by.

Peering out into the distance, I helplessly tried to see what was on the other side. I could feel her calling me to come in, to come ask her myself. She promised she would take me there.

My body began to shiver.

I began to feel myself lean into her warmth, she had begun to win an all too easy battle. Though, I could feel the constant weight behind me pulling me back, pulling me in to the shore.

I felt torn.

She knew she could have me, and I stood there with tears on my cheeks wanting to let go.

Let go. Let go.

The hardest thing I’ll ever do is turn my back on her, and step towards the weight pulling me away from the freedoms she whispered in my ear.

One more second. One more breath. One more promise.

I’ve dreamt of the way it must feel to be encompassed by her welcoming, wet embrace. Darkness beneath the surface. Silence. Breathlessness.

Would she, too, send me away after she’s had all of me? Would she, too, spit me back up onto the sand and wish that I would leave? Would I not be enough? Perhaps, too much?

She’s apart of me, as I breathe her deep into my lungs. My chest rises and falls. I feel her close to my heart.

My hands fall to my side, as I touch her softly with my fingertips.

The sand begins to crumble around my weight, and my feet sink softly into her. Is this her way of holding on to me?

Again, I can feel the pull of what calls to me daily. I stumble back. I know I cannot stay here with her for long. I cry softly knowing we cannot be together this time, & not knowing if we’ll be together at all.

She is my peace. She is my strength.

She is my way out.

I take that burdensome step away from her loving touch. I find the strength to climb out.

The waves continue to kiss my feet as she tries to change my mind, wishing me goodnight. I can feel her scorn, her hurt, her anguish.

Come back.

Sand clings to the crevices of my toes. I mustn’t return with the evidence of my visit. Washing off the last of her with shaking hands.

She almost had me this time.

Maybe next time I’ll stay, I say to myself as I keep her to my back.

Just before I return home, I turn around to see the moon still gleaming down upon me. Upon her.

I smiled as I caught the last tear rolling down my nose. I know she’s not alone.

I’m not alone.

I whisper the faintest words that I knew the wind would carry to her…

I’ll return. I’m yours, you know I’ll always be yours.

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