Darkness.

Laying alone amidst the sounds of the night, I begin the fearful journey of seeking sweet elusive sleep. 

The rattle of the ceiling fan keeps me company. It sings a song that reminds me of a lullaby, though I struggle to recall the melody. I focus on my breath, I watch my chest rise and fall. Shadows on the wall appear to be my audience, watching my futile attempt to find rest. Recognizing their existence brings goosebumps to my thighs, so I curl my knees to my chest. They watch with sad faces while whispers of deception are laid in my ear so softly that it only keeps me awake. So beautifully spoken that the line between truth and a harrowing lie begin to blur.

The darkness surrounding me begins to feel infinite as I stare into the nothingness. My eyes no longer able to discern the common objects from my own imagination. The stillness of the evening serving as a catalyst, causing my tired legs to feel tense. I plea with myself to just let go, but now my heart begins to beat so loudly that it awakens …him.

He’ll never let me free unless I close my eyes, but it is there behind closed lids that I see him the more. He waits for me in the noise of the calm. He laughs at my pain and triggers thoughts that creep through my veins like cancer. Tainting even the most beautiful moments of the day, it is here that he wins.  Victorious, every time. 

The shadows invite me to release my fears. They helplessly plead each night, trying religiously to change the inevitable outcome. Yet still he drags me to the pit that he alone creates… and there, I feed him. Enabling him. 

He devours my hope & regurgitates my insecurities. He wrestles with my dreams & pins down my most dreaded nightmares. He throws my fears into my view & blinds me with the concept of failure. It is here that I recall the pain of all too many goodbyes. It is here that I vividly feel the wreckage of what now are only scars. It is here that he shows me the mirrors that I avoid. It is here where I can still feel the rough green carpet and the cold wind from the open door on my exposed, vulnerable body. It is here that problems are created before the situation arises. It is here that he gifts me abundantly with doubt and self loathing. 

It is here that he pulls me down to show me where he intends to keep me….

Suffocated. Trapped. Forgotten. Broken. 

The tension held in my body begins to grow from my legs to the arch of my back. Climbing up my spine and holding steady through my shoulders. I feel him holding me harder than I’ve ever known, so tightly that I begin to believe he may crush me. Holding me under until I cannot breathe, until I stop flinching. Until the tears stop. Until I go numb. 

I search hopelessly around the room, but the only escape I feel is the wetness of a tear rolling down my hot cheek. He is greedy and wants every part of me. Every little piece that I hold dear. Every part that I try to hide so that he may not taint them. Though I know all too well that he will not stop until I shatter at the work of his hands. It is only then that he will only return to his assumed safe place til another dark night. Tucked away into the crevices of my mind where I do not look for him. Patiently waiting for me to appear whole again. 

He will come back, that I can count on for sure.

The darkness I once thought to be my enemy surrounds me with mercy as I begin to feel the release. Like a dance that him and I only know of the cadence, I float wildly into this lucid dream. I finally can feel safe, though I know it is not real. False security. For it is in the make believe that I find comfort. He is still here, I know this to be true. He watches, with wonderment — Flashes of what I’m capable of without his burdensome presence. His lips curl up an evil smile. Anxiety watches what matters the most with malicious intent for tomorrows dance. A dance that he knows he leads.

Why do my hands reach out to be met every time?

Why do I allow him here?

He allows me now to float into a world where I feel no pain, even if for a small moment. He controls my happy, too. Darkness welcomes me with warm, soft arms. Sleep washes over me.

I am oddly safe, here. If only for a moment in the darkness with my audience of sad shadows, and my beast of anxiety who now rests. 

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